song for whoever
things have been going really well? i’m happier than i’ve ever been. good keeps getting better and then best, over and over. my titchy little space in the world expanding and solidifying and filling areas neglected, blowing out cobwebs and replacing them with glow. carving a space and nestling, slotting myself into the scheme of it all. at times whirl-windy with no chance to catch my breathe. a day can feel like a week or a second all at once. i’m learning so much. about myself, about life, school work stuff. i put myself out there, i take things in my stride, i use tools picked up along the way. resulting in a lot of joy, effervesance, outgoingness.
the blues, the mean reds show up less often and when they do i can breathe through them more easily but nevertheless there are chinks in the armor and today i felt the vice tighten and spread and squeeze harder and harder across my chest, weakened and so goddamned dead dog tired i gave up and let it wash over me
somewhere a little voice said matter-of-factly: it can’t be all good all the time, being sick is what makes you appreciate health, ups and downs
all the rain drops i’d been side-stepping came pouring down and i cried inside for all that i wanted but could never be and anger flared up and i just wanted to hurt something, stick a pin in it, burst it, pour an antidote over the spill to neutralise and make it shush.
it’s ebbing away and even though i know it’s mostlymostly hormones holding me hostage, like every month doesn’t make it less of a strain.
we lay in the dark for a while whispering and being together and if i could cry i would have. just weep out the heavy boots and burden of feeling so much
